poisoned_flower: (Pigtail Bows)
[personal profile] poisoned_flower
Since my last post things have done a full circle again. After a week of being 'split' followed by spending time at my mums, Marcus and I fell back into sticking together and trying to continue with moving out.

I've had an episode lasting over 24hrs more or less. We've had a massive fight and split again. I've self-harmed, punched holes in the walls and physically lashed out at Marcus, the latter two things I haven't done in a long while.

So why now?

Stress I think. Silas' birth looming very close along with trying to move out and into a house we can't afford to run. We saw two beautiful 5-bed houses this week but applying for either has fallen through. Marcus' sister can lend us the initial money to move but trying to pay her back, pay off his debts and pay the rent and such each month isn't going to happen.

I've actually given up. I honestly have no idea what to do or say anymore to make things better, other than what I'm already doing. The things he wants me to understand and adhere to to make things easier for him in the relationship - I just can't. I feel shut out and unimportant which is just the icing on the this very lonely cake I'm currently hovering around.

I don't really have friends here beyond mutual ones with him, who will always be *his* friends. I don't feel I have any of my own.

And that's the long and short of it basically, without going into the in's and out's and who said what and why. Things have gone from shit to worst and around again and I have no idea how to stop it. I don't have any strength left to fight myself on this disorder anymore, to go to any appointments or to make any friends.

We have arguments and he's focused on telling me what I do wrong and how hard I am to live with. I'm focused on realising that I already know I'm shit and have no idea how to make myself better anymore.
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Sam

June 2017

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