Counselling session 4 - Fear

Jul. 23rd, 2017 01:41 pm
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[personal profile] schnoodle
I had my fourth session on Friday, it's funny alway beforehand I think I have no idea what to talk about and I still end up running over.
I discussed my wife's therapy session and talked about grief and that's was right on the nose what I had been feeling and read her out the page my wife had been given including the stages = Loss - Disbelief/Denial - Sadness/Anger/Despair/Guilt/Punishment - Anxiety/Hopelessness/Helplessness - Acceptance & Reinvesting in life. She said that's all true but it doesn't mean it's in that order and you can also repeat the same pattern again as well as comments/events can set the cycle again. My wife and I may well both be going through grief but that didn't mean we were at the same stage. She said that we seem to be talking a lot more and there seems to be more acceptance that I'm trying to deal with this too and that she's not alone. As I explained my wife said I was being overprotective but then said she'd be worse.
I talked about thoughts of suicide and I said I won't but it still plays on my mind a lot, I talked about trying to escape the situation and wanting a way out. She asked why I thought about these things and I replied it's the age old questions- why am I here? Am I nothing more? What have I done to deserve this? What's the point in any of it? I said these questions enter my head all the time. Maybe there's a better after life. I said that my wife and I talked about her death after her hospital appointment and it was hard. She told me she's not afraid of dying she's a afraid of me being left alone and leaving me. I said to the counsellor why would I want to be in a world where she's not in it? That's hard.
She asked if that suicide wasn't selfish and I should think of my parents and possible futures, and that I could possibly have a future marriage with someone else and being a man I'm not limited by my body clock and therefore could still have children.
I said all this is true but I do wonder how successful in life I am and how successful I could be, I said how saddened I was to hear about Chester Bennington and how much I like Linkin Park. She asked if that wasn't a reason not too. I said that I was angry because he had 6 kids, was famous, rich and had been very successful and he had taken his own life. To me he had everything to live for, I said he does show that depression and abuse don't care about how successful you are but especially having 6 kids he shouldn't have taken his life because to me that is selfish.
I said atm I was afraid of the future and what it could be and that I analyse everything for risk and I'm afraid to pretty much do anything, my wife on the other hand has a new view on life and wants to do everything and anything. I said that scares me a lot and set my anxiety off. I said she has money and wants to live life while she can because she doesn't know how long she has left. I'm a bit more calious because I don't know how long I have and ATM I don't have a lot. She said that could cause conflict and I said it has done. I'm trying to let go and roll with things a little more and try and do things and not be so worried about things.
I was told it was striking the right balance and weighing up the risks and gains. I had said I play things too safe and I want to be more sex, drugs and rock n roll and get jealous of these people with a life fast, die young kinda attitude but again I'm fearful about things and don't want to die young or get STI's or do drugs but I do really want to life. I said I had a dream of being on my deathbed and regretting not living.
She said that I afraid of being left with nothing and I said I was, no wife, no job, no house, no money, no life, nothing at all and that scares me a lot.
She asked me what I wanted to focus on I trying to be happy and enjoy the time I still have with my wife and build some good memories

Grief

Jul. 20th, 2017 07:18 am
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[personal profile] schnoodle
My wife's therapy went well yesterday, she talked about how she's been feeling and what she'd like to achieve by having a bucket list. One of the interesting comments from the therapist was that my wife and I are suffering from grief and we're both in morning. For the life we could have had and trying to cope with what will happen sooner or later.
A friend last night said no one knows how much time they have and that you might get hit by a bus tomorrow. I get that, but that is an accident rather than knowing what will happen even if you don't know when. It's a hard thing to deal with and it needs to be talked about. My therapist asked my wife what she thought would make me happy, she said that was easy I would like to know how long, to plan and know what to do. However I also don't want to know because I don't want to face it either. I'm hoping that the doctors at the end of august will give us a better idea of what will happen next.

Overprotective

Jul. 19th, 2017 10:29 am
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I'm currently sitting in a hospital waiting room, my wife is currently seeing a psychiatrist to talk about what's happening and face the fact she has cancer and it's effects. It's going to be tough I think as I don't think and my wife has admitted that she hasn't been dealing with it. This morning was my old PE teacher's retirement assembly and my wife is determined that I should make it I arrived 5 minutes late which was pretty good considering how late we were running. I shook my old teachers hand and said congratulations on his retirement, I was told it would be about 10 minutes long, originally I was told it would be from 8.30am until 9am but it was changed to 8.55am until 9.05am. I had explained to my old school friend that I wouldn't be able to stay long due to wanting to be there for my wife. She had been let down by lots of people so I felt I had to be there, however I can't be in two places at once. By 9.25am we were still waiting on the sidelines and I just couldn't wait any longer. I said to my friend that I had to go and was thanked by some of the teachers for coming. My wife was sat in the car and we went off to hospital and got to her appointment on time.
She gave me a bit of a hard time and said I should have driven to the assembly and she could have gone to the appointment by herself and she didn't need me there.
I said no because it's her first appointment, it came along first and I wanted to be there to support her especially afterwards. The main reason for going to the assembly was to support my friend more then anything else, as she'd been let down by so many people from school. Was a hard time to get there really as most people will be working.
Anyway in the end she said I was being overprotective, however she thought about it and said if the shoe was on the other foot she'd be worse and probably wouldn't let me wipe my on bum and would never leave myself she'd be that protective, I pointed out I wasn't that bad but it was nice to see where I was coming from.

Counselling session 3 - loathing

Jul. 13th, 2017 09:24 am
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[personal profile] schnoodle
Counselling I'm told is going well and going in a good direction. I think it's going well not sure of the direction. She is focused a lot on my childhood, I told her a word which kept popping into my head while I was trying to sleep the other night - "deserve". I deserve to suffer, you deserve this, you deserve everything you get... she said there's a lot of self loathing and a lot of anger in general. She asked where some of that came from and again asked about my childhood I said I had a primary school teacher who hated boys and terrified me, there was real focus on how wonderful girls were pretty, clear, wee behaved. Boys were stupid, naughty and should be seen and not heard. I said there was a lot of sugar and spice and all things nice that's what little girls are made of, slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails that's what little boys are made of.
I said I felt when I was growing up and possibly because I didn't really hang around many boys, mainly girls, I was made to feel that men are evil, responsible for all the problems in the world and all bastards. Also that I was male because I was different and wasn't normal, always in the friends zone and a real none entity.
I said I feel labelled as being a man, we're always only after one thing, don't understand, create all the problems in the world, responsible for everything. However we are all raised my women and a lot of how we view the world actually comes from women. I said if a women is interested and open about sex wants and desires she's considered liberated and confident if it's a man he is considered to be a pervert and deviant. Of course this isn't always the case, but we do seem to like giving labels. Yet sexual feelings are a basic human need, it's part of our DNA. It brought about discussion about different generations and what is considered normal, most of the rules we life by are stupid social inventions.
I said I remember having a bit of an argument with a girl I knew and she was complaining about the attention she was getting "how would you like it if everyone wanted to penetrate you!!!" I replied it depended if I wanted penetrating? How would you feel if no one wanted to penetrate you? You'd be complaining that no one was giving you any attention. You can't have it both ways or all on your own terms. She used to complain a lot about boys not being interested. I said I didn't feel people, girls especially were interested in me, so I was actually jealous.
I was very depressed and numb while growing up and spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts, my emotions were very shut off. This was mainly due to the normal boys don't cry or some their emotions. I also said that my mother used to say I had a bad temper and I would end up killing someone and ending up in prison. I needed to learn control and hide my temper.
Work was also discussed and lack of progression as well as control and I wondered if I had held myself back and if unknowingly I had sabotaged myself choosing safe options and not taking risks, not liking the attention especially being dyslexic. I said it's odd sometimes I'm an attention seeker but it someone else makes me the centre of attention I don't like it and shut up and you wouldn't even know I was there.
We discussed again how I felt and thought about things growing up, she said she thought part of the problem was I was never really asked how I really felt about things or what I thought. My self identify wasn't properly developed and I was just expected to accept things and not to really question things.

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Sam

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